A Journey Explored in “Desperation”
Mount Dora resident Felicia Ford recalls how her book helped her end a 20-year dependence on alcohol.
Written by Blair Townley; Photos by Anthony Rao
One night forever changed the life of recovering alcoholic Felicia Ford – the night she began writing her acclaimed book, “Quiet Desperation.”
“The book, ‘Quiet Desperation,’ started when I was sober 10 years and my heart and soul felt misplaced,” Felicia recalls.
“I was in a lot of pain physically, spiritually and mentally for no reason. I felt like drinking that night and after 10 years of sobriety, I realized that I was an alcoholic for the first time that night and that I couldn’t pick up that first drink.”
That night she began writing about her journey into and out of alcohol over the next few years, starting with her first taste of gin at age 14 to the drink-free life she currently leads in Mount Dora with her son, Luke.
“I started the production of ‘Quiet Desperation’ as a process that I thought was going to heal me, but in the midst of this I realize that the book writes you,” she says.
First Sip to 20-year Struggle
“Quiet Desperation” describes how Felicia’s first experience with alcohol at 14, blacking out after drinking gin with friends, only encouraged her to drink again and continue onto the “glow” stage of alcoholism.
Though her parents were also alcoholics, Felicia kept her addiction hidden from her family and found solace with others in drinking the days away.
Barely graduating high school due to her growing relationship with the bottle, Felicia was influenced by a boyfriend to join the Navy at 19 and called the choice “the best decision at the time.”
She began to make friends and found a purpose in life during her first year in the Navy, all the while not taking a drink of alcohol. She even returned home on leave and found the life she was leading without alcohol had strengthened her bonds with family while lessening those that tied her to liquor.
However one Christmas night, she had a drink with her Navy roommates at a nightclub on base and it led her down a dark path for the next 15 years.
“I knew that the drinking would either kill me or institutionalize me, but as a woman and someone brought up in alcoholism I would never accept the fact that I could have a problem,” Felicia states.
“It could never be that I would drink too much and turn out to be like Mom and Dad. That’s the first step of denial.”
Countless jobs, a divorce and the birth of her first son, Jake, followed while Felicia was in the constraints of alcohol and trying to live life as a “functional alcoholic.” It wasn’t until she was in the perils of a second marriage, drinking at all hours of the day and making known to her then pre-teen son her drinking problems that Felicia realized she needed help.
Desperation turns into Devotional
When her father nearly died due to alcohol-related health issues, Felicia spiraled more into drinking and became ill herself.
Six months later, she decided she needed to change her life before she met a similar fate and began attending local Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
“I got sober almost six months after Dad almost died,” Felicia recalls. “When I entered AA, I was vomiting blood and living in the same clothes for three days.”
Yet even after joining AA, Felicia found she still had a few obstacles to overcome before getting to a stronger standpoint in life.
“AA is my strength but 23 hours a day I had to learn to live life on life’s terms. People think that once you become sober, your life is euphoric and that is not so. Adversity, death, poverty, illness and, in my case childbirth late in life, are many things that cross our paths. The true test is how we change to stay sober,” she states.
One aspect of her life that was restored upon entering her sobriety was her relationship with God, a bond that she credits to getting her through the toughest battles against alcohol.
Felicia also believed the birth of her second son, Luke, also was from God, teaching her how to be a better parent to Luke and Jake, who is currently a Navy lieutenant.
“You can see the difference especially for mothers, from me raising Jake until he was 14 where I was screaming at the child to give me my liquor to then raising [16-year-old] Luke who I have given nothing but total care and responsibility. Not once did Luke see someone drink,” she says.
Her relationship with Jake has also improved since her sobriety and he plans to read her book during his deployment overseas.
Felicia’s book was also donated to male and female soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan to help them in their own journeys toward sobriety in the midst of war.
Her book may have been a way to cope with a night of desperation in her own life but “Quiet Desperation” may lead to others to finding similar comfort in knowing their battles of sobriety can be overcome.
“I needed to take the chapters of my life and write them for me, but then I decided my chapters were being written for someone out there,” she concludes.
“It is so hard for these people to understand that there is help out there, whether it is a helping hand or AA. We know God is the driver and we just go for the ride. So there’s no question in my mind that I’ve stayed sober partly because of this book, because I should have been dead.”
For more information about “Quiet Desperation,” visit www.publishamerica.com.
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